Counseling
by Raeyl
Summary: What would happen if Naruto and Sasuke went to see Iruka for couples counseling? A funny story based after the time jump and when Sasuke's back in Konoha.


Naruto and Sasuke in "Couples" Counseling

_By Isane-Kusajishi(Naruto/Sai), xRaeylx(Sasuke/Gaara) and SilverPheonix-Dragon(Iruka)_

Iruka: So . . . what the fuck are you here for. . .

Naruto: I don't know . . . Kakashi said this would help our "relationship".

Iruka: Oo Ok . . .damn you Kakashi

Sasuke: What "relationship" dobe?

Naruto: You see, Iruka, this is how it is _all_ the time, he doesn't acknowledge me, or our relationship!

Sasuke: For God's sake dobe, what relationship!?! Our friendship or . . . which one! pissed off-faced red

Iruka: Calm down Sasuke. I'm a "couple's counselor" meaning that this would be your intimate relationship.

Sasuke: Oh. . .

Naruto: See, he didn't even know what type of counseling this is!

Sasuke: That's because in order for a relationship you have to DO stuff. What stuff? TRAINING?

Naruto: Which kind?

Sasuke: You are a dobe, baka! sighs

Naruto: Stop calling me that! It pisses me off! You can only say that . . . at certain times. . .

Iruka: We're getting somewhere, I think? says while the two argue

Sasuke: And when can I call you dobe, baka? When I do this punches him or when I do this kisses him

Naruto: twitching smacks Sasuke Not is public ass-wipe!! blushes

Iruka: thinks of Kakashi

Naruto: Um. . .Iruka. . .Iruka. . .earth to Iruka. . .IRUKA!!!

Sasuke: Since he's not paying attention . . . we're technically not in public . . .smiles sinisterly

Naruto: eyes wide You wouldn't . . .Iruka starts drooling

Sasuke: I would . . . you know I would moves closer to Naruto

Naruto: edges his chair slowly away Um . . . Iruka. . .Iruka! Help me!!

Iruka: stops drooling Uh . . . oh . . . sorry, so Sasuke wants to kiss Naruto, that's good! totally not paying attention to the fact that Naruto is spazzing/trying to jump out the widow

Naruto: That is not good! Stop encouraging him! He's gets really controlling if you let him! Iruka kicks under his desk, an "Ow" noise is made

Sasuke: I'm not controlling . . . I'm a bit demanding but not controlling . . .pouts

Naruto: Demanding my ass! We'll kiss for about five seconds' and then your hands down my pants!!

Sasuke: I can't control myself. . .you make me horny. . .you know I have a fetish for blondes. . .

Naruto: Fetish or not! This is probably why Kakashi sent us here! Next thing ya know, I'll have mono or some kind of STD!!

Sasuke: It's not like I'm fooling around with anyone else! You can't get anything from me if I'm not getting anything from someone like Neji-oh- and speaking of Neji, I saw you with him yesterday-stay the fuck away from him, he's a bad influence on you-even worse than Lee is! I found the unitard-I burned it!!

Naruto: You were _spying _on me?! And you looked through my stuff?! WTF?!

Kakashi: And this is why they are here. comes out from under 'the desk'

Naruto: UWAH!! falls out of his chair KAKASHI-SENSEI!?!

Sasuke: Naruto you didn't know he was here? Actually, I kind of forgot he was here too . . . rubs head

Iruka: Kakashi, you can leave now embarrassed

Kakashi: Okay, bye-behave boys! leaves with a puff of smoke

Naruto: Iruka. . .why was Kakashi under the desk and why were you drooling?

Iruka: If this counseling works and this relationship is a success, you'll know.

Sasuke: Naruto, I know what was happening under the desk and if we leave now I'll show you . . .eyes get glossy

Naruto: twitching again, nosebleed

Iruka: How about we talk about . . . those "affairs" . . . Naruto?

Naruto: What affairs?

Iruka: Like I really know, but how about Gaara?

Sasuke: What about Gaara?!? What happened while I was gone?!! steaming

Naruto: Um . . . stuff. . .

Sasuke: WHAT STUFF . . . are you still a virgin!?!

Naruto: OO. . . umm. . . do you want the truth or a well conceived lie?

Sasuke: I suggest you tell the truth if you want me to tell you what happened while I was gone. calming down

Naruto: Well. . .what had happened was. . .the day after you left. . .Gaara came over. . .with whipped cream. . .and so yeah. . .and I was pissed that you left. . .and wanted to beat you to the whole "losing it" punch. . .and so yeah. . . I say-oh no-oh virgin-oh okay-oh?

Iruka: I'm just going to leave . . . for . . . a-second! leaves

Sasuke: pins Naruto to the wall, tears and anger in his eyes YOU CHEATED ON ME! YOU GOD DAMN WHORE!! I SHOULD KILL YOU!! a row of tears runs down his left cheek he forces a kiss on Naruto, pushing him harder against the wall with a lot of force

Naruto: smacks Sasuke in the face Me?! Whore?! Explain your "curse mark" slash love hickey of DOOM!! gets angrier

Sasuke: First off- DON"T FUCKING BITCH SLAP ME AGAIN! Second, I never "REALLY" cheated on you-also I DIDN'T WANT THIS DAMN THING-ASK SAKURA-OROCHIMARU PUT IT ON ME AND I SAID** NO**!! face full of anger

Naruto: You look like a tomato! laughs

Sasuke: The Kyuubi really did give you ADHD!  
Naruto: Fuck you- THAT'S NOT AN OFFER OR INVITATION! Just explain about that DAMN HICKEY!! And what did you mean by not "really" cheating on me?!?

Sasuke: Can I tell you a well conceived lie?

Naruto: NO! punches him See that wasn't a bitch slap though you're a bitch and had deserved one!!

Sasuke: Okay-uh. . . . at Orochimaru's this girl Karen was very obsessive about me-worse than Ino and Sakura times two-anyways she drugged me and tried to make me "her's"- I got away and Orochimaru and Kabuto found me-they were coked up at the time and probably don't remember-my memory's a bit fuzzy-all I remember is chocolate sauce and Orochimaru saying "Finally!" and umm stuff I'm not going to tell you-

Naruto: looks at Sasuke before ripping his shirt open WHAT IS THAT-WHY DOES YOUR CHEST-IN CHOCOLATE SAUCE SAY- 'PROPERTY OF OROCHIMARU & KABUTO IS OROCHIMARU'S BITCH-NO SASUKE-KUN IS-WHATEVER!' pissed and seizuring from shock Why Sasuke?!?!?!?!?!?!

Orochimaru: It's true! I took Sasuke-kun's innocence! Woohoo!!

Kabuto: weeps

Naruto: Yeah . . . I'm the whore. . .sure. . . yeah. . . YOU BASTARD!!! pointing at Sasuke Filthy hypocrite! gets angrier by the minute and spazzing Fucking . . . arg. . . . cussword cussword CUSSWORD!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!

---------AWKWARD SILENCE INSUES---------------

Gaara and Sai walk in

Gaara: . . . Did we come at a bad time?

Sasuke: staring at Sai Why do you look like me?

Sai: I don't look like you. . .you look like me. . . No wonder Naruto called me Sasuke that one time. . .

Sasuke: You called him Sasuke-!?

Naruto: Uh. . .no comment. . .

Sai: grinning at Sasuke Yup! Cuz apparently. . .

Gaara: He stole my whipped cream. frowns

Sasuke: Whipped twitch cream twitch seizure

Naruto: Yup. . . whipped cream. . . you heard the man, whore. . . WHIPPED CREAM!

Sai: I brought you some more. . .takes out a can of whipped cream

Naruto: Hmm. . . Interesting offer. . .

Sasuke: No. . . Whipped. . . cream. . . twitches

---------------------FLASH BACK------------------

Orochimaru spreading whipped cream all over Sasuke then licking—

---------------END OF FLASH BACK---------------

Sasuke: NO!!! OROCHIMARU DON'T!!

Sai: to Gaara what's with him?

Gaara: Bad first time I guess. . .

Naruto: Sasuke step are you okay? step step gets pounced on WTF!?!?!?!!?!

Gaara: Sai. . . couldn't you have waited until later. . .

Sai: on top of Naruto I don't know. . . he was getting near Sasuke. . . and I'm the jealous type. . .

Naruto: Sai. . . um. . . get off me. ..

Sasuke: Well then. . . pounces on Gaara

Gaara: punches Sasuke that's for the chuunin exams punches him again that's for leaving the village kicks him off and that's cuz I DON'T LIKE YOU!!

Neji: I like you!

Naruto: Sai. . . get off me puppy dog eyes Pweeze?

Sai: Not until I see your p-

Naruto: knocks Sai upside the head

Neji: Ignore me! Byakugan-atleast I get to be a pervert. 

Naruto: Neji! Quit with the bug eyes! Perv!

Neji: Damn 

Sai: Let him be a pervert.

Sasuke: You still look like me! looks at Sai

Sai: I still want to see a p-

Gaara: Is this almost over?

Lee: I have come for Neji's youthful seed! drags Neji away

Naruto: full of emo rage GET OUT!! ALL OF YOU!! points at Sai YOU!!! points at Gaara AND YOU!!! SAYONARA!!! points at the door NOW!!!

Sai&Gaara: Okay. . . walk away slowly

Sasuke: So. . . what do we do now?. . . winks at Naruto twice

Naruto: drop kicks Sasuke **HELL NO!**

Iruka comes back wearing a toga

Sasuke: WHOO! TOGA!

Tobi/Mandara/Obito: UCHIHA TOGA PARTY!

----------20 minutes later-------

Naruto is tied up to a post. Tobi/Mandara/Obit, Sasuke, Orochimaru, Kabuto, Neji, Gaara, Sai, Kakashi, Itachi and Iruka are in togas.

THE END

A/N: This was written in a week between three very bored high schoolers.


End file.
